"Who are you?" said the
caterpillar... "Explain yourself!"
"I can't explain myself, I'm
afraid Sir,"
said Alice,
"because I'm not myself, you see."
Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland
If we think about the
twentieth century, we can see that it was a period when a
disturbed relationship with oneself and a crisis in personal identity
were
major themes in literature, art, social theory, psychology, music,
architecture, and many other areas of cultural endeavor. The
writings
of Kafka, Camus, Sartre, and so many others come to mind. We
think of the phenomenon of alienation and the critique of that
phenomenon presented by diverse thinkers throughout a broad spectrum of
social and political theory. Indeed, for most of the last
century, much creative inquiry grappled with the sense of despair,
desperation, depression, impotence, and futility associated with being
oneself in modern times. And now, in the midst of a rapidly
changing culture
in
which normalcy is more and more difficult to define, the level of
alienation increases. Many people have developed a sense of being
more a
part
of "virtual" reality than of reality itself. It is as if one
were staring into a looking glass world. All the while, however,
behind the mirror, reality lurks; and behind the distorted reflection,
there is a person. But who is this person, and what does it mean
to be oneself?
Actually, to be oneself would seem to be the simplest and most natural
thing in the world. If we are in touch with ourselves and at home
with ourselves, and if we express ourselves in a forthright and direct
way, then we are genuine in our experience and behavior. We
function in an integrated and unified manner. It is true that we
must experience inner conflicts at times, due to the inevitable
complexities of the human condition and the complications of
life. Yet these conflicts are not likely to threaten the
foundations of our personal stability. They need not endanger the
security of our identity, for in such circumstances we
have self-understanding and are capable of tolerating a certain
degree of stress in the interest of getting to know ourselves
better. Naturally, we will reflect on
our experience; the very existence of continuity in our relationship to
ourselves
is based on such reflection. While most animals are more or
less completely absorbed in the immediacy of living, human beings have
the ability to step back and to focus their awareness on
themselves. This process, involving self-perception, results in
the establishment of a conscious self-image.
A problem arises, however, if our self-image is not grounded in
reality. Then, like a creation of the sorcerer's apprentice,
it assumes a life of its own. A blurred and false image of
ourselves - anchored in disturbed self-perception - takes over.
The true substance that gives real meaning to our lives is lost.
As a consequence, we experience ourselves to be adrift.
Insecurity and anxiety prevail. We feel a need to hold onto
something or someone in order to achieve a sense of balance, to keep
from falling. Ironically, in our efforts to preserve our balance,
we
may grasp at the distorted self-image lurking in the mirror of our
reflection. It seems to be the one thing available to us.
We then become fixated on the image of ourselves, just as we have
become alienated from the substance of ourselves. Yet our
self-image is disturbed and unsatisfactory. Consequently, we may
then
set about to "improve" it in accordance with socially and
culturally determined ideals. In the marketplace of images, we
look for one that will be suitable. We try it on, wear it, and
seek to mold ourselves in accordance with it, hoping that this will
make us acceptable
and that we will then gain the security that we lack. However, in
our rapidly changing world, a stable self-image - especially a
false one - becomes difficult to maintain. Images go out of
fashion. As a result, we become enmeshed in the process of more
or less continuously "reinventing ourselves." Life becomes a
masquerade or a charade, and we become actors on a stage.
Something like the process just described occurs very commonly in our
present social order. No fiction, however, can adequately take
the place of reality; no superficial image can make for a deeply
satisfying
life. In order to live and be in touch with ourselves, we must go
beneath the image. This involves a process of
self-discovery. It is a substantial task, because it involves
literally making contact with the substance
of ourselves. In an important sense, it means finding an answer
to the question posed by the Caterpillar to Alice - "Who are you?" In functional,
bioenergetic terms, the answer to this question resides in the body.
The living body is the source of our integrated personal awareness, and
it is the basis for our clear identification with ourselves.
Naturally, we all have a self-image, a picture of who we are. This
image acts as a compass that allows us to take our bearings in the sea
of a changing world. But to be reliable, the compass must
accurately reveal the true coordinates of our existence. To use
another metaphor, the challenge that we face is to anchor ourselves in
the depths of our genuine
experience. We must be able to sense ourselves, to feel the flow
of emotions and sensations within us. We must be grounded in the
security of our body. We must have a clear, gut feeling of who we
are. We must experience the basic drives and needs which - in
their rythmicity and palpable presence - are an essential part of our
nature. Our needs for sex, love, nourishment, and human contact
must be accepted as the well-springs of our being; and the integrated,
unitary flow of our experience - rooted in our bodies from head to toe
- must provide us with the security of our animal nature. This
basic security in being who we are is our birthright. This
birthright, however, cannot be claimed if we have lost or failed to
gain the capacity to breathe and feel deeply, if we have immobilized
ourselves so that the basic motility of our functioning is
sacrificed.
The living body is not a machine, any more than the mind is a
disembodied void. The body has a spiritual and soulful quality
when its natural functioning is not disturbed by patterns of chronic
muscular tension (armoring) that habitually distort the flow of our
impulses, perceptions, and emotions. This is not to say that the
capacity for self-control and self-restraint is inappropriate.
Rather, the
truth is that without a grounded and vital sense of ourselves at a
bodily level, we cannot effectively take responsibly for our actions
and thoughts. If we do not breathe deeply, we cannot feel deeply
or perceive clearly. Then we are lost.
To discover who we are and establish a meaningful relationship with
ourselves, we must gain the capacity to loosen and untie the knot of
restricted functioning that binds us. Like all knots, the knot of
chronic muscular tensions that impede our functioning cannot be untied
from the inside out. The direction must be from the outside in,
from the surface to the depth. Beneath the surface, behind the
façade, are conflicts. These inner conflicts are born of
the disappointment, frustration, and despair that have resulted from
the failure of our true selves to find acceptance during the formative
stages of our development. A host of illusions must necessarily
stand guard over the abandoned and rejected aspects of ourselves.
Of these illusions, I will mention only one, but I have found it to be
very common. It involves the idea that somehow, if we fashion a
successful enough mask - if we are inventive enough in devising an
acceptable
self-image - we will ultimately gain the approval that
will allow us finally to feel secure in ourselves. Ironically,
the
converse is really the case. The more successful we are at
fashioning the mask - the more identified we become with a false image
of ourselves - the less likely are we to face the insecurity that must
surface as we establish contact with those elements of ourselves that
have been abandoned and rejected. The illusion is meant to
protect us from the
anxiety and despair that would emerge if we were to face the emptiness
inside. But the illusion imprisons us.
The way out of this dilemma involves going beneath our cultivated façade in order to work through
the underlying conflicts that interfere with our healthy
functioning. We must learn how to breathe more deeply in order to
feel more alive. When we are successful in this endeavor, the
result is that we are and feel ourselves to be - ourselves. To be
ourselves then no longer means adopting an adequate role or perfecting
a self-image. Rather, it means residing securely in our bodies
and, therefore, in the world. It is only in this way
that terms like "basic security" and "ontological security" can take on
real meaning. This is so because, for humans, reality must be a
human reality. The reality of being human means being ourselves
in an embodied way. Life then becomes an adventure, and the human
condition becomes a challenge.
